The choices we make....

You readers may have noticed a lack of blogging on my part. I will attempt to explain myself as best I can.. although this has been quite possibly the toughest month or so of my life... literally.

I don't know anyone with good timing when it comes to me.. even me.

I had convinced myself that Eldon was over me and it wouldn't matter one bit what happened with my future, because he didn't want to be the one to share it with me. He did everything in his power to convince me of it. Everytime I tried, he pushed me further away, until finally I went.

Now, months went by since our breakup... I didn't mention it on the ole blog because I was secretly hoping that he would remove head from rectum and see what he was giving up.

During this time, I also met a really great new friend. I've made mention of him before. Josh is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He's fun, interesting, caring, selfless, compassionate, patient, and an all around good guy. Some would even suspect that he's "too good".

The day we met, we had a conversation where I told him we could ONLY be friends, as I was still hung up on my ex-boyfriend and hoping to get back together with him. He understood and accepted that, and we went on our merry way becoming really good friends.

Eldon went on yet another business trip, and while on the east coast, went out with my friend Jesse. Everything I heard, from both Eldon himself and from Jesse was that he was finished with me and "I have too many issues" etc. I was completely convinced that I was not even a consideration for Eldon anymore....

Cut to the night of "Robot Punch". The irony of the name of that show could not get any thicker.

Son of Rust was playing a show at the Hawthorne Theatre.

Great show by the way...

Pretty much all the usual suspects were there, as well as some people that I work with. Someone commented to me that I work with a lot of hot chicks... I don't disagree!



Everyone was there.. including Eldon.


So everyone was hanging out having a good time, and then during the very last song, Josh turns to me, and says, "I can't take it anymore." and kisses me. Right in front of everyone I know.. including Eldon.

I was aflood with emotions. I was really happy.. and also fearful, that being that most of my friends I had because I met them through Eldon, were going to hate me for moving on. Oddly, it was exactly the opposite. People actually congratulated us. They were genuinely happy for me. Everyone of course, but Eldon.....

I got a text message the next morning from Eldon saying that we needed to talk if we were going to salvage our friendship. Ok.. friendship. That's much better than what I thought, because all I heard all night was how "pissed" Eldon was.

Eldon comes over and tells me he wasn't pissed. He was hurt. It felt like someone "punched him in the stomach". He also tells me that he was stupid for letting me go, and desperately wants another chance. I could see it in his eyes. He really had come to the realization that he loved me.... and it tore me apart.

So began the great indecision of 2006.
The back and forth. I'm dating Josh, and here comes Eldon trying to win me back...

and Josh in his own quiet way, trying to keep me without being too pushy.


Keep in mind, this was also while I'm in school. (Side note: Jack won the obedience competition at school, because I rock. :P )

I'm worried about failing my classes... Josh is being incredibly understanding AND helping me study.




I'm losing my mind with indecision, guilt, work, school, and overall drama, I started to develop involuntary bulemia. Bouts of random throwing up. I've literally lost so much weight you can see my upper ribcage in my chest.

I'm not all clear on the motivation, except that I felt like I needed to give Eldon his chance. I told Josh that I had to know if it was real... and I broke it off with him to go back to Eldon. Josh, although very very hurt, fulfilled a promise he'd made to me and still came over every day to help me study... and even with the drama, we could not have a bad time together.

And since we'd already planned on going to my company Christmas party together, Josh and I went together. I didn't want to deal with or have to explain my drama to everyone I work with. It seemed much easier this way, as my coworkers had met Josh, and weren't really aware of Eldon other than the flowers delivered to my work. The work party was not fun. It actually made me feel pretty crappy. But we were all dressed up, and Steff and Kevin suggested going to Embers. That sounded great.


And it was. We drank way too much, which wasn't great, but it allowed me to forget the drama going on, and just "live in the moment" as Steff kept saying all night. And I did. We had a really great time, just being ourselves, the way we always had been.

The last day of my last final, I had been saying I was going to run away to the beach and take Wes for a run on the beach as a way to relax and reward Wesley for the extreme lack of attention I had been paying to him. I also thought it would be a good way for Eldon and I to reconnect, as we had been apart for so long and really needed to get away from everything to find ourselves in each other again.

It was also the day of the ridiculous storm. 100 mile an hour winds on the coast, and we're standing on the beach being sandblasted to pieces. It was very freeing. I felt alive and happy then. I thought the stress was over, and was going to allow myself to finally relax. A beautiful sunset finished off the day, and then the storm took over and took the power in the entire town.

We awoke, freezing from the lack of heat due to the power outage, to an equally pretty sunrise. We went to Eldon's parents house.



and then once the sun came out, Eldon and I went to his rock. A place that had always held a special place in his heart. It was there, that he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.. and I agreed.



I agreed fully. Or so I thought. I was happy with my decision, until we came back and I saw Josh.... At that point I started to doubt I had made the right decision. He was devastated, but held himself together fairly well. Meanwhile, I began to unravel. It was the triangle all over again... Indecision set in and I was back to not knowing what to do. I hated myself for feeling this way, especially after I had already agreed to marry Eldon.

But I couldn't lie to myself.. or to either of them, and I slowly began to go insane. I had a choice to make that was going to hurt someone no matter what I did. There were points where I would find myself laughing maniacally and crying hysterically at the same time. I was in love with two wonderful men, and they both, (in spite of the fact that both of them should have told me to go to Hell at this point,) couldn't bring themselves to let go of me either. It got to the point where the two of them went for a walk to discuss things, and then they came to me, telling me that they both agreed that at this point, it didn't matter who I chose as long as I was happy...


Logically, I had already agreed to marry Eldon, so staying with him would have brought the least amount of pain. Except that I realized I would be sacrificing my own happiness so as not to destroy him. I couldn't get over the year plus of pain Eldon put me through as I loved him so much and he pushed me away over and over. Josh and I didn't have a negative history, because we didn't have much of a history at all. And no matter what I did, I couldn't suppress the way I felt when I was around him... even though I tried so I could be fair to Eldon and give him a real chance. I nearly decided that I should have just said goodbye to both of them so as not to hurt them anymore... but I couldn't do that either.. and neither of them would have let me. They wanted me to be happy, and if I was miserable, it would have made this horrible rollercoaster month not worth it at all.

I have this problem. I tend to try to make everyone else happy, to the point of sacrificing my own happiness to do it. Someone doesn't like something I do, I try to curb that, so as not to be an annoyance in their presence. Unfortunately it makes me walk on eggshells around people instead of being myself. I give and give till there's nothing left... and when I don't have anything else to give, people tend to turn on me and call me selfish for not giving more. As a result, I'm one of the most guilt-ridden people you've ever met. Hence, my "issues". There you have it folks. My bags are always packed for a guilt trip, and I seem to always have the tickets.

So in the end, I chose Josh. I feel absolutely horrible for what I've done to Eldon. I never meant to hurt anyone...and I managed to hurt both of them. But I searched my heart and that's the choice that was right. I finally acted selfishly for once and made a choice FOR ME.


meet joe black speech



I know that my decision will come with some fallout... but that's ok. Because I'm finally happy. I've found somewhere I belong.