This is something I wrote a while ago, and I just found on my computer. I'm feeling out of sorts after some things that happened and it portrays accurately how I think and feel overall about relationships.

A history lesson for the heart; or a biographical tale of mistakes and promises for the future.


In my years of searching for a suitable mate, I think I have finally figured out where the problem lies, and my determination is that of a grim outlook on society as well as for myself.

While I yearn for someone to fall in love with my soul rather than my body, my impatience to find that leads me to portray my sexual nature, which should be left as a treasure for the one who dares to fall in love with my soul. This results in a hollow outer lust rather than a deep spiritual love, and when one believes they have conquered all lust contained within the body, a new conquest is more appealing than the heart which still lies within. Sort of the idea of “I got the treasure, why do I need to look for the map.”

Hence the idea of trophy and novelty are formed, and is mostly my own doing that led me here. I have given away my body in hopes that one would want to love my soul, and it is the opposite of what I wanted.

Within me lies a split chasm of both undying, unyielding, passion and compassion waiting to be discovered by the brave and patient man, and a lustful adventurous sexual creature with whom exploration without regret yearns to be realized by the partner who would seek out my soul first.

However, the culture of society proves that without revealing an attractive outside, most wont bother to delve inside where the most rewarding portion of a person truly is kept. Even if they are willing to attempt this challenge, they soon give up the exploration for the instant gratification that another suitor’s outer lust and sex will provide. Such the disposable society we live in, where even the hearts of others are so easily discarded.

I know that I have made this mistake many times.. In wanting for someone to take an interest in the heart within, I begin to reveal my arsenal of the lustful animal, to peak interests to proceed further…

Partly because of the need for recognition that the “lustful me” still exists and has some interest to be had, as a result of previously living with one whom has long since tired of me and given up any further searching for the heart within.

I have made this mistake before, of seeing that which I lack from a previous relationship in the arms of a new one, only to find myself in a situation endlessly repeating itsself. I don’t believe that I am hard to please (as in my 5 commandments) and yet I do sometimes second-guess myself and think that my standards are simply too high, because I have yet to meet a man who can sustain doing all 5, which in my mind is rationalized as things you would do automatically if you loved someone, and I promise/offer nothing less than that what I demand from anyone.

I am tired of giving without receiving. They say it is better to give than receive, and for the most part I do agree, and always practice the art of giving to another before myself. However there is supposed to be a balance equated with this… The balance of the other giving to you, and when that is missing, it becomes more of a slavery than a partnership. I do not and will not be the silent bystander while someone makes decisions that effect my life, however only benefits himself, while I continue giving for him.

That is my solemn vow, and the most inner workings of my mind when I apply them to the search for a lover.